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Feb. 28th, 2005 11:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
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Title: Solitas
Author: raeblackman
Fandom: Alias
Rating: PG
Notes: For "A picture is worth 1000 words (third times the charm)"

As a child I was always fascinated by snow, watching the journey of each individual flake from high up in the sky, further than my childish mind could grasp. I always believed and still do that one of the most beautiful sights is when a fresh layer of virgin snow over everything – ground, buildings, tree. Making the world seem undisturbed and untouched by human hand.
I suppose I am somewhat like snow that has fallen on the road. Clean on the top but when you look beneath the surface it’s dirty underneath – much like my life. On the face of it I had the perfect life – two loving parents, a beautiful wife and daughter.
Appearances are nothing if not deceptive. My parents were brilliant – brilliant scientists not brilliant parents. Very quickly I learned to look after myself, it was not their fault that they could not find the time to spend with their only child. They had a busy schedule – lecturing, experimenting, each other, there wasn’t really much time left for a child. I became accustomed to not being their number one priority. You could say that my childhood enabled me to survive the numerous trials of later life.
My Parents weren’t bad people they just had other things to do that didn’t involve raising a child. There is no comparison between them and the truly evil individuals that I have met in my line of work.
I fell in love with Laura – she was beautiful, kind, intelligent and more importantly she found me attractive. How could I not fall in love with her? The day she agreed to marry me was the happiest day of my life, second only to the birth of my daughter Sydney.
I would like to say that she was a calm beautiful baby but that would be an exaggeration. She was beautiful with Laura as her mother how could she not be? She was calm, some of the time – far more with her mother than with me. She was wary of me, we didn’t bond instantly – it was as if part of her didn’t quite trust me. Sydney hasn’t changed much, only grown more intransigent as time has gone on. The world is clearly defined in black and white with perhaps one or two shades of grey.
Of course my life was not as perfect. I discovered that Laura was a KGB operative. I have never been an emotional person; growing up in my environment I had very little need to be. Laura hadn’t really changed that; I still wasn’t overly fond of public displays of affection. Laura liked them, I realise now that it was probably because her handlers were watching. She wouldn’t have done it of her own volition but then Laura was just a fabrication devised by the KGB in order to spy on the USA.
Before I met Laura I’d only really paid attention to one other female, or had what I would call a female friend. I never had many friends growing up. She was too young and we’ve grown apart. I doubt if I am anything more but a distant memory.
I had very few opportunities to make friends as a child – we moved around too much. It is not particularly surprising that there weren’t groups of children lining up to make my acquaintance. I suppose that it didn’t help that I consistently got the highest marks in class, even without having been there for the most of semester. I didn’t have too many problems after I took up boxing. I think that and my ability to fill lockers with various science experiments, perfectly harmless for the most part – some cosmetic damage to the contents.
I suppose I have a lot to thank the CIA for, without them I would probably have followed my parents into teaching. A child always craves approval from their parents however distant the relationship may be.
When Sydney’s mother died she cried herself to sleep for months, constantly calling for her mother. I tried the best I could to comfort her but she didn’t want me. She wanted her mother. She never wanted me. After several months of this I finally got the message, I hired a nanny. She came with excellent references. Sydney liked her. She began to smile again, she was happy. She was no longer restless as I watched her sleep.
I’m sure Sydney would have preferred another father. In essence that is how Sloane was able to recruit her, he played on her need for a father. As she didn’t particularly care for the one she had. She was like Laura and my parents in that respect.
I sometimes wonder on days like this if when I die anyone will concern themselves to attend my funeral. I don’t expect there to be any outpourings of grief. No one will morn my passing. Vodka has always made me somewhat maudlin in large enough quantities. Perhaps next year I shall drink scotch instead.
Once a year I ease control on my emotions. I suppose most people believe that I am an automaton without emotions. If but that were true. I suspect that I have too much sentiment. Sydney gets that from me, she certainly didn’t get that from Irina. Unfortunately she never learned to effectively control her emotions.
Sydney is far from perfect but she is my daughter and I love her. I suspect that she neither wants nor believes she needs my love. I will be here, as I always am to look after her. We need each other more than she realises.
My emotional outpourings are almost over for yet another year. Tomorrow there will be a fresh layer of snow covering the first of the winter snow. In a similar way I shall put on my suit, go back to work as if nothing has happened. The way I always do. No one will ever know about this single day of emotional indulgence but would anyone even care?
Author: raeblackman
Fandom: Alias
Rating: PG
Notes: For "A picture is worth 1000 words (third times the charm)"

As a child I was always fascinated by snow, watching the journey of each individual flake from high up in the sky, further than my childish mind could grasp. I always believed and still do that one of the most beautiful sights is when a fresh layer of virgin snow over everything – ground, buildings, tree. Making the world seem undisturbed and untouched by human hand.
I suppose I am somewhat like snow that has fallen on the road. Clean on the top but when you look beneath the surface it’s dirty underneath – much like my life. On the face of it I had the perfect life – two loving parents, a beautiful wife and daughter.
Appearances are nothing if not deceptive. My parents were brilliant – brilliant scientists not brilliant parents. Very quickly I learned to look after myself, it was not their fault that they could not find the time to spend with their only child. They had a busy schedule – lecturing, experimenting, each other, there wasn’t really much time left for a child. I became accustomed to not being their number one priority. You could say that my childhood enabled me to survive the numerous trials of later life.
My Parents weren’t bad people they just had other things to do that didn’t involve raising a child. There is no comparison between them and the truly evil individuals that I have met in my line of work.
I fell in love with Laura – she was beautiful, kind, intelligent and more importantly she found me attractive. How could I not fall in love with her? The day she agreed to marry me was the happiest day of my life, second only to the birth of my daughter Sydney.
I would like to say that she was a calm beautiful baby but that would be an exaggeration. She was beautiful with Laura as her mother how could she not be? She was calm, some of the time – far more with her mother than with me. She was wary of me, we didn’t bond instantly – it was as if part of her didn’t quite trust me. Sydney hasn’t changed much, only grown more intransigent as time has gone on. The world is clearly defined in black and white with perhaps one or two shades of grey.
Of course my life was not as perfect. I discovered that Laura was a KGB operative. I have never been an emotional person; growing up in my environment I had very little need to be. Laura hadn’t really changed that; I still wasn’t overly fond of public displays of affection. Laura liked them, I realise now that it was probably because her handlers were watching. She wouldn’t have done it of her own volition but then Laura was just a fabrication devised by the KGB in order to spy on the USA.
Before I met Laura I’d only really paid attention to one other female, or had what I would call a female friend. I never had many friends growing up. She was too young and we’ve grown apart. I doubt if I am anything more but a distant memory.
I had very few opportunities to make friends as a child – we moved around too much. It is not particularly surprising that there weren’t groups of children lining up to make my acquaintance. I suppose that it didn’t help that I consistently got the highest marks in class, even without having been there for the most of semester. I didn’t have too many problems after I took up boxing. I think that and my ability to fill lockers with various science experiments, perfectly harmless for the most part – some cosmetic damage to the contents.
I suppose I have a lot to thank the CIA for, without them I would probably have followed my parents into teaching. A child always craves approval from their parents however distant the relationship may be.
When Sydney’s mother died she cried herself to sleep for months, constantly calling for her mother. I tried the best I could to comfort her but she didn’t want me. She wanted her mother. She never wanted me. After several months of this I finally got the message, I hired a nanny. She came with excellent references. Sydney liked her. She began to smile again, she was happy. She was no longer restless as I watched her sleep.
I’m sure Sydney would have preferred another father. In essence that is how Sloane was able to recruit her, he played on her need for a father. As she didn’t particularly care for the one she had. She was like Laura and my parents in that respect.
I sometimes wonder on days like this if when I die anyone will concern themselves to attend my funeral. I don’t expect there to be any outpourings of grief. No one will morn my passing. Vodka has always made me somewhat maudlin in large enough quantities. Perhaps next year I shall drink scotch instead.
Once a year I ease control on my emotions. I suppose most people believe that I am an automaton without emotions. If but that were true. I suspect that I have too much sentiment. Sydney gets that from me, she certainly didn’t get that from Irina. Unfortunately she never learned to effectively control her emotions.
Sydney is far from perfect but she is my daughter and I love her. I suspect that she neither wants nor believes she needs my love. I will be here, as I always am to look after her. We need each other more than she realises.
My emotional outpourings are almost over for yet another year. Tomorrow there will be a fresh layer of snow covering the first of the winter snow. In a similar way I shall put on my suit, go back to work as if nothing has happened. The way I always do. No one will ever know about this single day of emotional indulgence but would anyone even care?